At Love Not War, it’s no secret that we are big advocates of sex and sustainability and that they go hand in hand, just look at our range of eco-friendly vibrators. We are also firm believers in the notion that sex, pleasure and an open mind for trying new, including practising BDSM, also fit together perfectly.
Our advice for anyone thinking about incorporating BDSM into the bedroom is to start by opening the lines of communication. Discuss your kinks and fetishes with your partner(s) to perhaps help you to understand what area of the BDSM umbrella you may fall under.
That being said, the terms kinks and fetishes are often used interchangeably by novices. However it is important to note that there is a distinct difference between the two.
What is a Kink
Kink is an umbrella term that incorporates anything sexual that is considered out of society's norm. This includes a range of acts or types of sex including BDSM, group sex, littles, pony play and more. Many people who participate in these types of sexual play call themselves kinksters.
Because it is an umbrella term that covers so many different types, actually defining and understanding what a kink is can be confusing to some but essentially it is referring to anything outside of ‘vanilla’ sexual practices. Exploring Kink can take many forms and could include anything from being tickled, light hair pulling and choking to more extreme versions such as enjoying being suspended by rope, putting on a chastity device and even pet play.
It’s also worth mentioning that participating in kinky sex doesn’t must mean that you are a kinkster. Many people dabble in kink or kinky play without ascribing to a specific lifestyle or community. It could just be something they try once or occasionally.
What is a Fetish?
A fetish on the other hand is defined as a necessity and can be described as a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to a particular object, act, part of the body, etc.
People’s fetishes can take many different forms from specific acts: such as voyeurism/exhibitionism and cuckolding to focusing on specific materials like leather, silk, latex or feathers to inanimate objects like high heels, cake or even balloons.
Some of the most common types of fetish may include feet, underwear, piercings, tattoos or even the idea of being attracted to people older than you.
Kink vs Fetish
When it comes to defining the difference between a kink and a fetish, it’s important to note that there can sometimes be an overlap in them with some fetishes being kinky acts. However the most important difference is that for something to be considered a fetish, it is essential that it is included for the individual to enjoy sex or to be sexually aroused. In other words, they can’t get off without it.
A kink however is something that is used to enhance sex, it is not a requirement. . Although you can have foot play, cuckolding or even wear leather and latex within the confines of a kinky scene, kink allows for more exploration as you can try new acts or sensations within the confines of kinky sex.
How to introduce them into the bedroom
Like introducing sex toys and even watching porn, introducing your kinks and fetishes into the bedroom requires an open conversation between you and your partner. As we mentioned in our article about trying out BDSM, when planning a ‘scene’ together, it’s a good idea to discuss what will happen, the language you will use and what each of your boundaries are. It’s also good to have agreed on how and when the scene will end and what the aftercare will look like.
If it is your first time trying out something or you are still relatively new, don’t try to go to the most extreme acts immediately. Instead, gradually build up what you want to do over time and ensure to check in with each other to ensure that you’re both still comfortable and no one’s boundaries are being walked over.
A great way of trying to see if the fantasy lives up to the reality is to see if there are courses or events at local dungeons where professional practitioners can help to give you tips, and tricks and help to guide you through practicing your kink or incorporating your fetish in a way that is safe, pleasurable, and beneficial for everyone involved. Always ask questions if you are unsure about something.
If your fetish requires a costume or tools, always do your research into the best places to buy them. Try looking at reviews for places that specialise in leather, latex and PVC and remember to research the proper ways to take care of them as well. As well as this, many of these tend to fall on the pricier end so take your time building your collection, start small and add instead of buying feeling like you need to buy everything at once, this can be overwhelming for both you and your bank account!
When getting to know your partner, conversations about what you enjoy in the bedroom will inevitably come up. From trying BDSM and introducing sex toys to the types of porn you enjoy. Discussing your kinks and fetishes should be done with the same open-mindedness as discussing all of the above topics.
Written by Katrina Fairhurst